there’s more than one way to make a family.

I follow a couple of accounts on Instagram called @makemotherhooddiverse and #familieslikemine. They challenge the single story of family and motherhood that we commonly see. 

Just the other day, I went to get my hair washed and styled on a cold, wet day because I could not be bothered to wash my own hair. It was a spontaneous decision after catching a glimpse of my roots in the mirror and realizing that my calendar was clear for an hour, so my typical stylist was not available on an hour’s notice. The stylist Google selected for me was lovely, and I adored the Brazilian wave look she created, but when she asked me what my husband did for a living, I wasn’t sure how to respond. I felt like I had two choices: 1. Explain that I don’t have a husband I have a wife (I was wearing my wedding rings); or 2. Lie. 

I choose option 1 most of the time, but I find it makes the person feel so uncomfortable because either a. they are so embarrassed that they don’t have the education to know that in 2019 people marry the same gender, or b. they were comfortable when I was a straight woman sitting in the chair but now that I’m a lesbian sinner, they wish they would’ve passed me to the next person. 

So, I chose 2. Sometimes to choose 2 feels so sickening. To hide who I am feels like soul suicide. But, it didn’t that day. It felt like self care because I didn’t want to talk about my husband or myself. Did I mention I was too tired to wash my own hair? And, choosing option 1 sometimes means I receive more questions to tell my coming out story or they tell me about other gay people they know so I don’t feel bad about myself. But, here’s the thing: I don’t feel bad about myself. We don’t need to do this dance of codependency where we take care of each others’ feelings. We could just say, “Oh, yes, I’m still learning how to be more inclusive…what does your wife do?” Or even better, don’t ask people what they do. I love my job more than your average person, but I don’t want to explain what I do. Ask people what they’re passionate about. Ask people what they do for fun. Ask people what breaks their heart. 

What breaks my heart is the ways we exclude people from the table. 

When my ovaries began to long for a child as they do when you’re biologically nearing the end of your window to bear a child, I wasn’t even sure where to begin. I was and am still married. But, to a woman. My prayer for a few years was “Thy Will Be Done and, by the way God, if I’m supposed to be a mother, please make it so blatantly obvious.” And, I’m a mother by adoption to my son, Samuel. His name means God has heard. There was never any question that was his name. 

When I was searching for a family photographer for our family a couple years ago, I scrolled through portfolio after portfolio. Dallas Fort Worth has a number of talented family photographers. But, I gave up the hunt and set my camera on a tripod with a self timer and very low expectations. It’s not because I’m cheap…I am not…I’m a photographer’s dream client because I value the art. It’s not because my family is easy to photograph…they are not. They complain about the sight of a camera and a request to pose more than your average family. I have to bribe them just like you have to bribe yours. Cake pops, brunch, ice cream, screen-time, etc. 

I gave up because I didn’t find photographer portfolios in Fort Worth of families who looked like mine. 

That experience of not finding a portfolio with families like mine moved me to review my own portfolio. What story of family was I telling? Lo and behold, I saw that I was essentially telling the same, tired but beautiful traditional heteronormative nuclear story everyone else was. Slowly, I began to rewrite my definition of family and refine what it was I wanted to create in family photography. 

This year, I’ve photographed some incredible families who challenge the single story of motherhood and family. Thankfully for me and so many children, there are many ways to become a mother; there are many ways to make a family. I’ve witnessed people walk through birth and death and everything in between. I’ve seen a number of miracles, too. In case there was ever any doubt: I am an inclusive photographer of all people and families including those in the LGBTQ community, as well as any person regardless of race, religion, culture, etc. I learn so much from the families I photograph and look forward to photographing people who think and live and love differently than I do. I’d love to tell the story of your uniquely beautiful family.